Archive | Money

RSS feed for this section


I always say, it’s important to be open-minded.

For three generations, the Schwartz family finances have been managed by a capital market firm with a history as old as Wall Street itself. It’s a proud tradition that has ensured the members of our family the maximum amount of income with the minimum amount of work. I’m sure we can all agree that this is a huge component of the American dream.

And who do we have to thank? The hardworking white, Protestant men who took on our family’s portfolio back in the 1920s in spite of their traditional aversion for Semites. Sure, my father could have ditched them years ago, but what would be the point? As long as we’re talking about the American dream, then surely, at its spiritual center, is not the notion that one ethnicity will love the other, but that a people might overlook that queasy feeling that comes with making contact with those you find revolting, when the shared end goal is profit. Yes, I think that everything we’ve learned about America in recent years has confirmed this thesis.

I realize I’m getting a little high fallutin’, but I’m still on a high after my meeting yesterday with our family’s financial advisor, Charles Cornelius Endicott IV, the fourth Endicott to condescend to serve the Schwartzs. We had a ball, and more importantly, a bottle of Dalmore.

“The problem with you people,” Chuck said after he started to slur, “is that you make it all too obvious.”

“C-Corn in the house,” I said. “C-Corn in the house.”

“It’s better to have money than to chase it, Jasmine. Although I must compliment you on your cleavage today. Absolutely astonishing.”

“I just get so worried,” I told him, bursting into tears. “What if…”

“What is it Jasmine? You can tell me, if it’s not too personal.”

“What’s that?”

“That? Oh, it a toy helicopter. I can make it fly with my phone. Let me show you.”

Do you see why I will never abandon this man? In a way, it’s my most loyal relationship. Future ex-husbands come and go, parents are generally horrible, but financial advisors? They’re the ones who will stand by us, for all equity.

in Charles Cornelius Endicott IV, Dalmore, Money | Read full story · | Comments { 1 }