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Podcast – Jasmine’s Secrets

What’s an alter-ego? Who has the time to look these things up? I certainly don’t. But if you’re curious to know all of Jasmine’s deepest, darkest secrets, or at least her views on sex, money, yoga and gay men, here’s a podcast to enlighten you. There’s very little profanity here, so apologies in advance.

Listen to the podcast.

in Crime Fiction, Wisdom, Writing, Yiddish | Read full story · | Comments { 2 }

How Would You Fight A Lion?

How Would You Fight A Lion? That’s the name of my new short story.

Though the story has just come out, my readers, ever enthusiastic and faithful, have been flooding me with suggestions about how they’d go about it.

Sarah from Wasilla, for example, would shoot it with a Remington 870 Pump, and then mount the head over her fireplace. Good for you Sarah! Jasmine likes an unreconstructed approach to most things.

Lindsey from Merrick, on the other hand, would punch it between the eyes. Mel from Sydney would complain that it’s Jewish and Brett from Los Angeles would bait it with cocaine. Both ideas are creative, don’t you agree, and each, in its way, just slightly old-fashioned. Laura N. from Brooklyn would “give it a cookie”. I think we can all agree that she’s toast.

And what about you? Imagine that you’re there, in the savanna, staring into those amber eyes. Would you run, readers? Would you understand that this is the greatest moment of your soon-to-be-ended-in-horrible-fashion life?

It’s such an evocative question and really, I think the answer tells you more about a person than you’d like to know. But if you’re curious to learn how to really fight a lion, check out my new story, and stay out of the jungle, my darlings. Not all of us are equipped to brawl with the beast.

in Crime Fiction, Jasmine Schwartz | Read full story · | Comments { 1 }

Marrying and Divorcing Rich – and my guest post for M.J. Kane

As my readers know, amateur sleuth Melissa Morris is based on a real person – an old girlfriend of mine named Lysette. She used to do some work for the Mossad until she got tired of seducing Syrian businessmen in cheap East European hotels. She drifted for years. I urged her to give up and marry rich, but Lysette made the too-common error of ignoring my advice and now she’s living in Queens.

It’s a real shame because, like any attractive woman, Lysette could have married and divorced someone wealthy by now. Instead she has to work for a living, as a social worker no less, and she’s a vegan. It’s a tragedy, no matter how you look at it…

Read more of this guest post on M.J. Kane’s website. M.J. Kane? She’s a stay-at-home mom turned Amazon bestseller. Her words inspire, encourage and bring hope, so really, we have very little in common. Still, hop on over and check her out…

in Charles Cornelius Endicott IV, Crime Fiction, Dalmore, Lysette, Mossad, Myron Xavier Schwartz. | Read full story · | Comments { 0 }

Podcast: Some Bitch Talking About Her Alter-Ego

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is what I said in the podcast. So here it is, insatiable readers – a podcast about Jasmine for the first time, with all her flaws. Just kidding! Jasmine is still perfect.

Listen to the podcast.

in Crime Fiction, Gay Men, Jasmine Schwartz, Writing | Read full story · | Comments { 0 }

NOTHING IS FREE – EXCEPT THIS STORY

It’s true. I’m giving away a short story this week, for free.

Here it is.

Enjoy, readers. It’s a prequel to Farbissen and Fakakt, and, yes, it’s also Fa-fabulous.

But let’s not kid ourselves. As the cover of ‘Before The Crash’ points out, Nothing is Free. So in exchange for this story, I need suggestions and I need them quick.

As you know, my father is dating his dental hygeinist, Sabina. Her ten-year-old son is called – I’m not kidding – Elvis. All three of them were spotted at John Dory yesterday, which is ridiculous, because Daddy doesn’t even like oysters. The whole thing is so distressing that I can’t even focus on vetting the publicity team my publisher is putting together to promote my book. It’s so like Daddy to ruin everything for me.

I need to break up this couple immediately. That’s where you come in. Somewhere out there, someone has experience in making sure a relationship meets a timely end. So I put it to you, my readers. What should I do?

Thanks to one of my faithful readers, Santo, for his inspirational story describing how he got rid of his daughter’s boyfriend. It’s greatly appreciated, Santo, but I’m not so good with animal carcasses, so please, if you have suggestions that don’t involve dead animals, do send them along. Speaking of which, there is a dead animal in my story, ‘Before the Crash.’ And have a look, Santo baby. I snuck in a character named after you.

As many of you also know, I’m actively looking for something stronger than a valium, so all suggestions on that front are welcome as well.

in Crime Fiction, Jasmine Schwartz, Jasmine's Father, Sabina, Valium | Read full story · | Comments { 3 }

WITH NO OTHER SKILLS, I NATURALLY TURN TO WRITING

My future ex-husband always says, “If they can’t afford to live in Manhattan, don’t waste your time.” What he means is, life is short. Pursue your dreams. Don’t let anyone tell you no, especially if you’re attractive enough to get your way. It’s so true. Five years ago my uncle Myron was skiing in Verbier and Bam! Just like that, he was gone.

I was thinking about this the other day when I decided to write a novel. As my readers know, I’m the hostess at a private gastro-pub in Manhattan. We don’t give out the name, we have no website, and the sign on the door is written in invisible ink.

It’s terrific work. I love the pleasure of turning people away. I would do this job forever, if I could. But I can’t.

You’re probably as sad about this as I am. You’re asking yourself: Why, Jasmine, why?

I had this plan to be young and glamorous forever, but it never panned out. It’s a shame because I’m gorgeous. But tragically, my beauty is fading. I didn’t realize it, but the decline in beauty, as it relates to increasing age, is not gradual. It’s exponential. Did you know that? That once you pass a certain age, you might as well get fat and dress in that cheap, synthetic clothing that they make people in the Midwest wear? I wish someone had told me about this years ago. I would have come up with a different plan.

Given these unfortunate circumstances, it’s unfair of me to keep my job. Our customers deserve better. The men who grace our establishment should be greeted and seated by a woman they want to have sex with. The ladies deserve someone who makes them feel overweight and bad about themselves in general.

It’s time to face reality. I need a new career that doesn’t expose others to my crow’s feet. As Mark Twain said, “wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been, but unfortunately they end up making women ugly.” So here I am, bravely looking ahead, wondering what’s next for Jasmine.

With no other skills or training to speak of, I naturally turn to writing. Tomorrow I start my first novel. How hard could it be?

in Crime Fiction, future ex-husband, Jasmine Schwartz, Myron Xavier Schwartz., Writing | Read full story · | Comments { 1 }