$2000 LATER AND I STILL NEED A VALIUM

What the hell is Prana breathing anyway? The Mandarin detox was pretty good, up to a point, and then suddenly Dario started telling me how to breathe while he was stimulating my lymph nodes. Then he made me drink this revolting green-colored juice which made me want to puke, but unfortunately, I think I mentioned that I’m not one of those women who easily hurls her food. My stomach was shot the entire day. $2000 later and I still need valium.

You’re probably wondering how this all started.

Actually I’m having some trouble remembering myself.

Oh yes. It’s coming back to me. I had a hangover. A really bad one. If you recall, we were invited to dinner at Lysette‘s, my old friend who used to work for the Mossad. I based my detective character on her. I think I already mentioned that.

Lysette lives in some place called Kew Gardens. We took a taxi over, stopping for drinks on the way, and by the time we got there, we were an hour late, which shouldn’t be such a big deal, but you can tell from the look on Lysette’s ethnic boyfriend’s face, it was.

So it was pretty much a disaster from start to finish. My future ex-husband, through no fault of his own, can’t really handle being around poor people. He got completely soused on the Dalmore we bought with us and before too long he was making his usual drunken racist comments. Santiago, surprise surprise, doesn’t have much of a sense of humor, and sometime after the ‘entrée’ was served, they were yelling at each other and talking about current events. In her sad, little kitchen Lysette revealed to me that she was pregnant after years of trying. As my readers know, when people tell me about their fertility woes, I usually say a little prayer for them that they won’t get pregnant, because no one really understands the extent to which children make you unhappy. But with Lysette, it was too late, and she was so excited about having a baby that all I could do was listen and pretend she wasn’t making a huge mistake.

I can’t emphasize enough that going to Queens was probably one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made, or at least, the biggest one of the summer. But the summer is ending, and I’m hoping for a respite from all the drama this fall. Let’s all say a little prayer for Jasmine.

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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. 50 Shades of Oy Vey | Jasmine Schwartz - October 21, 2012

    […] I mention that my future ex-husband has been behaving bizarre ever since the night we went to Lysette’s house in Queens? As if I didn’t have enough to worry about. I swear I must be the only sane person in this […]

  2. OBAMA, OPANA AND MOI | Jasmine Schwartz - November 20, 2012

    […] I had no better luck with my future ex-husband. He’s been acting strange lately, and you’d think it’s because of that admittedly sexy socialist winning the White House again. But no. He’s been this way ever since that night at Lysette’s. […]

  3. Paperback giveaway on Goodreads | Jasmine Schwartz - December 30, 2012

    […] As you know, he’s become a little obsessed with Lysette since that awful night in Queens. […]

  4. Phineas, Ferb, Sex and Kim Kardashian | Jasmine Schwartz - January 27, 2013

    […] is the kind of drivel he says now, ever since that night in Queens. I would dump him, but the cocktail always makes me a little sleepy, and also, we have reservations […]

  5. How Would You Fight A Lion is Free, April 16-20 | Jasmine Schwartz - April 15, 2013

    […] when all the while we could be meditating on profound, esoteric questions such as these. Also, despite last fall’s fiasco, I’m scheduled for a Mandarin detox later today. They have one more shot to win me over, so […]

  6. SYCOPHANTS AND HOSTILE DOORMEN | Jasmine Schwartz - April 30, 2013

    […] the couch reading a book, and I think he was actually quoting from it. It was one of the books that Lysette gave him. I think they’re meeting […]

  7. Blue Jasmine | Jasmine Schwartz - September 10, 2013

    […] finally leave my future ex-husband alone and stop filling his head with offensive ideas. Ever since that horrible night in Queens, he’s unrecognizable – reading books and talking about the meaning of … oh Shit. I […]

  8. Jasmine Schwartz - October 2, 2013

    […] explain this to my future ex-husband a few minutes ago. He’d just gotten back from visiting Lysette and her new baby in Queens and he was going on and on about the meaning of existence so I thought […]

  9. Is Ronan Farrow Single? | Jasmine Schwartz - January 29, 2014

    […] explain this to my future ex-husband a few minutes ago. He’d just gotten back from visiting Lysette and her new baby in Queens and he was going on and on about how empty he’s been feeling and […]

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