Archive | June, 2012


FAKAKT: Melissa Morris and the Meaning of Sex
is FREE, June 27 – June 28

Melissa Morris is living the Good Life in New York until she gets laid off. She’s thrust into the Manhattan abyss, aimless and desperate and deciding the only thing to do is marry. She flies to Rome to track down her errant boyfriend, hoping that he can save her, but on her way to meet him she’s arrested for murder.

Who will save Melissa now? Marriage? Sex? Or something even more surprising? When Melissa sets out to find the real killer, she discovers an underside to Rome, and herself, she never imagined.


in Writing | Read full story · | Comments { 1 }


Yesterday was my future ex-husband’s birthday. Hooray for him. I say that with all the fake enthusiasm I can muster.

I tussled with a few Russian mistresses to get the last Tonino Lamborghini cigar lighter, but I admit that the best gift was given to him by his brother — an original Superman comic book. Have you read it lately? I almost cried. Everything that’s wrong with the world is exposed within its poorly illustrated pages. Screw Batman. This is the real deal.

They’d never publish this little gem today. A few details about the original you probably wished you didn’t know:

Lois Lane is an Unreconstructed, Superficial Bitch
Lois is unabashedly mean and insensitive. She avoids the gutless Clark Kent and calls him a “spineless, unbearable coward.” Hear, hear, sister. Kent can’t even get a sentence out without stuttering and has to beg his way into tabloid journalism. Modern versions of this story have Lois being nice to him, and turn Kent into a funny, sympathetic character. But Jerry Seigel and Joe Shuster — the original writers — weren’t afraid to hate this powerless, simpering hack. Tell it like it is, Jewish boys. Tell it like it is.

Superman is a Misogynist and a Bully
Kidnapping and drugging an innocent football player, beating up the governor’s butler who’s only trying to do his job, leading a party of wealthy people down a mine shaft to be buried alive — there’s nothing this man of steel won’t do to prove a vague point. If there’s a simple way to achieve justice, Superman is sure to ignore it and hatch an ill-conceived and convoluted plan instead.

The Plot Makes No Sense
Does Superman teach the bad guy a lesson? He sure does. It only takes him about a year or so to force the corrupt Senator Barrows to name Emil Norvell, kidnap Norvell, force him to set sail on a steamer, save him from his own henchmen, force him to enlist in an army, join the same army himself, kidnap the opposing generals, and then allow Norvell to return home unscathed. Who needs bloated, bureaucratic government when Superman is around?

And so we come to the question: Why did we dumb down Superman? Why betray the original vision of this erratic prick and make him into a feeble, soft-minded moderate? Now he’s dafter than a fattening donut, more banal than a supermarket olive, and able to keep mall children in a red-cape jam.

in future ex-husband | Read full story · | Comments { 0 }


It’s true. I’m giving away a short story this week, for free.

Here it is.

Enjoy, readers. It’s a prequel to Farbissen and Fakakt, and, yes, it’s also Fa-fabulous.

But let’s not kid ourselves. As the cover of ‘Before The Crash’ points out, Nothing is Free. So in exchange for this story, I need suggestions and I need them quick.

As you know, my father is dating his dental hygeinist, Sabina. Her ten-year-old son is called – I’m not kidding – Elvis. All three of them were spotted at John Dory yesterday, which is ridiculous, because Daddy doesn’t even like oysters. The whole thing is so distressing that I can’t even focus on vetting the publicity team my publisher is putting together to promote my book. It’s so like Daddy to ruin everything for me.

I need to break up this couple immediately. That’s where you come in. Somewhere out there, someone has experience in making sure a relationship meets a timely end. So I put it to you, my readers. What should I do?

Thanks to one of my faithful readers, Santo, for his inspirational story describing how he got rid of his daughter’s boyfriend. It’s greatly appreciated, Santo, but I’m not so good with animal carcasses, so please, if you have suggestions that don’t involve dead animals, do send them along. Speaking of which, there is a dead animal in my story, ‘Before the Crash.’ And have a look, Santo baby. I snuck in a character named after you.

As many of you also know, I’m actively looking for something stronger than a valium, so all suggestions on that front are welcome as well.

in Crime Fiction, Jasmine Schwartz, Jasmine's Father, Sabina, Valium | Read full story · | Comments { 3 }